Chapter 1: Pour Me a Heavy Dose of Atmosphere

When I read his words, my heart constricted, dread settling deep in my gut.

Daniel Sheedy                                                                     July 3, 2013, 5:45am
Hey there.  I wanted to say it last night, but I couldn't squeeze it out. 
Sometime I'd like to have an in-person talk with you about some things.  I'd rather it wasn't before a get together, so either at the end of something, or a random time, if that's all right for you.

~

Danny and I been hanging out for months now. We saw each other almost every day (though, nearly all our time together was spent in groups with various mutual friends).

I knew what he wanted to talk about. And it was the last conversation in the world I wanted to have.

~

(Rewind: Seven years.)

“Did you get my Myspace message?”

Danny sat across from me, in the booth where we always ate lunch. We had been doing so since the beginning of that semester, when I first discovered none of my friends had the same lunch break as I did (our high school was so massive, our lunches were divided).

Danny and I had originally been introduced in English class by a mutual friend. When he'd noticed me eating lunch alone, he'd asked to join me. He had also suggested reading the Bible together daily, and I'd accepted. It seemed harmless enough.

But things became complicated when he sent me a message saying he thought he liked me. 

I ignored it, hoping the problem would go away on its own.

Unfortunately, the tactic was clearly a failure, and now I was mentally kicking myself for not replying over the safety provided by the distance of the internet.

So I offered the only response my sixteen year-old brain could muster (which also happens to be the most clichéd response in the arsenal of rejections): “I’m sorry, but I just don’t see you as anything more than a friend.”

~

Conversations were awkward for a bit (that is, more awkward than usual). But we’d see each other in class, or at the Christian clubs we attended, and exchange friendly words.

Eventually, we graduated. I asked him to sign my yearbook.

               Dear friend Alyssa,
               I think you’re a cool person.
               Jesus seems rather apparent in your life.
               You seem nice and are fun to be around.
               Thanks for being my friend.
                                                            -Danny

~

We essentially lost contact the first few years of college, other than the sporadic Happy Birthday! and Merry Christmas! Facebook posts (by then, of course, Myspace was a thing of the past).

~

(Fast-forward: three years.)

“Do you like Danny?” Caleb was grinning as he asked, the way little brothers always do when they know they’re making you uncomfortable.

“No.” I responded sharply, without hesitation (and with more than a little annoyance), as my defenses rose.

It was the summer between my junior and senior year of college, and I had been seeing more of Danny than I had in years. It had begun with a chance meeting at the gym, where I had started exercising in an attempt to continue the three-days-a-week workout schedule that my roommate and I had initiated the previous semester (this, too, has become a thing of the past).

Since the day Danny had noticed me on the elliptical and stopped by to say hello, I saw him there fairly often. Once in a while, he’d even convince Caleb to join him and his friends for a game of basketball (though he never did convince me to play wallyball, despite his numerous invitations).

And now I sat, facing Caleb’s grin, while we rode home in the van from church-in-the-park, where Danny had made a surprising appearance with a few of his friends.

“His friends said not to tell you, but they wanted me to ask. He kind of likes you.”

“Well, I don’t like him,” I retorted.

~

After that revelation, I did my best to avoid Danny. When he sent me a message the following week saying we should hang out more, my response was coldly concise.

Alyssa Rose                                                                             June 11, 2011, 6:36pm
I have to tell you that my feelings have not changed since high school. I have never seen you as anything more than a friend. So if this sudden interest in my life is a pursuit of something deeper, I have to ask you to let it go. Please.

~

Two years later, things had changed. Not my heart, by any means—that remained apathetic as ever as far as romantic interest was concerned.

But I couldn’t run away this time. There was no way to avoid him; we had the same friends, participated in the same activities. And, I had come to genuinely care about Danny. I couldn’t simply dismiss him as I had before.

With all the time that had passed, I had hoped that he had finally given up. Accepted that after seven years of friendship, there would never be anything more, and decided to move on.

But those hopes were dashed to pieces when I read that message.

And so, I braced myself to break his heart.