I felt a surge of relief when I received a text from Danny
that announced he was considering talking to David (one of the few friends on
whom Danny had yet to pour out his undying love for me).
David was one of the most straight-forward, no-nonsense
people I knew. He was unafraid to speak his mind, and I was confident that he
would come to my aid and be quick to inform Danny that he had clearly misheard
God and should drop this whole Alyssa-obsession, ASAP.
My response to Danny was immediate: I think that’s a good idea.
~
As soon as Danny and David had a moment alone together, I
texted Danny, inquiring how it went.
From what I gathered, David had done nothing whatsoever to
deter Danny.
But Danny said I was welcome to talk to David if I liked (I
had avoided discussing the situation with any of our friends thus far—I
didn’t want to share what had transpired without his permission.)
So I texted David, and informed him we needed to talk.
~
That Wednesday, I picked up David for church. A few minutes
into the drive, after the necessary small-talk, I finally burst.
I ranted for at least a full ten minutes about not being in
love with Danny, and how the timing was all wrong, and why marrying Danny was a
terrible idea, and how David should have told Danny that he was crazy and
needed to move on rather than allowing him to maintain his impossible hope.
When I paused to take a breath, David took the opportunity
to ask a question.
“Did God tell you that you aren’t going to marry Danny?”
I sighed, frustrated. “I don’t know. I never trust myself
when it comes to guys. I get too emotionally involved.” Memories formed and dissolved in my mind in rapid sequence. “There
are times in the past when I’ve thought I’ve heard from God, but it was really
just my own desires.” I gripped the steering wheel more tightly.
“So no, I can’t say it’s from God. I just know what I feel.”
~
I’ve had people tell me that God wouldn’t tell you to marry
someone you weren’t in love with. Over the course of the week, I had tried to
comfort myself with this idea.
The trouble was, I couldn’t quite bring myself to believe
it.
Because when I read the Bible, I saw God telling people to
do a lot of things that didn’t seem to make any sense by human standards.
~
I thought of God telling the prophet Hosea to marry a prostitute.
(Imagine explaining that one to your mother—here comes the sermon on being unequally yoked!)
The Bible doesn’t say whether or not Hosea loved Gomer
initially. We only know that he was obedient.
~
I also thought of God telling
Abraham to slaughter his only son—the son God had promised would be used to
make Abraham’s descendants so numerous, they’d rival the stars in the sky.
How do you think the conversation would
go if he had told anyone else what God had commanded? “Well, Abraham, if God told you to kill Isaac, you’d better follow His
leading! Want me to help you hold him down?”
…Um, no. It’s more likely that DFCS
would be breaking down Abraham’s front door to take Isaac away, with the cops
close behind.
~
The thing is, God is God, and we
are not. We can try to restrain Him in the manmade boxes of our preconceived
notions, formulaic thinking, limited logic and experiences, fallible
interpretations of Scripture, and our darkened-mirror theologies—but I believe
it’s to our own detriment.
However much I wanted to, I could
not put a limit on a God who demanded that I give up everything to follow Him.
Who commanded that I pick up my cross daily. Who said that the only way to
live, was to die.
~
“Alyssa, I don’t know if Danny is
right, or if he’s not. But I do know that, unless God tells you specifically
that you’re not supposed to marry Danny, you need to be open to whatever He has
for you.”
~
I continued to argue with David
for the remainder of the drive, and for a long while after we reached the church
parking lot.
But I knew, in the depths of my
Spirit, his words were true.
~
I had to accept the possibility of God telling me to
marry a man I didn’t love.
The only real question was: If
that was indeed what He would require of me,
Would I obey Him?
~
Alone in my bedroom that night, in
another moment of profound and merciful surrender, I told God yes.
Even if it means marrying a man I don’t love, God. Not my will, but
Yours be done.
~
I’d had a lot of beautiful ideas stored
up in my mind of how my love story would unfold, and it broke my heart to
release those futures for one that was unknown, with a plotline that was
perhaps much more fractured and less picturesque than my romantic imaginings
had always aspired to.
But after that release, I felt the
guilt and anger and fear of the previous week slipping to the outskirts of my
memory, like the muted colors of a bad dream.
Amen. I closed my eyes, and slept in peace.
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