Chapter 2: You Defy the Gravity in Me

The night Danny confessed his love for me, I couldn’t have been farther from wanting to hear it.

~

The desire for romance had been an idol in my life for a long time. When you’re twenty-two years old and have never been in a relationship, you begin to wonder if something is irredeemably wrong with you—at least, I know I did.

My last semester of college, and for months after graduating, I tortured myself listening to love songs (both sappy and sad) and watching television shows and movies centered on romance, reveling in my pitiful life of unrequited love.

I think some people believe I’d never dated before because I was so wrapped up in God and waiting for His perfect plan for me. But it’s simply not true.

The fact is, no guy that I’d had feelings for had ever pursued me. There have been men in my past that, if they had asked me, I would have dated.

Now, of course, I thank God they never asked.

Now, I see how God protected me from relationships that may have left scars far deeper than the ones I carry with me today.

But in the midst of that desire for a relationship, most times all I could see was my pain.

~

Journal Entry: July 25, 2012

Abba, 

There’s a lot of anger today. I know it’s just part of the rollercoaster. The part where I feel the need to scream. I’m so tired of not being good enough. Of loving more deeply than I am loved in return. I know it shouldn’t matter, after You gave up everything for me. It’s incredibly selfish. It just hurts, Daddy. I’m happy for my friends, I really am, truly and deeply. But it still hurts to watch everyone else falling in love when I feel so alone. Why, God? I’m sure it’s supposed to make me stronger, but I’m afraid it’s only making me more cynical. Father, I need some kind of miracle. 

                                                                                                                         Amen.

~

Journal Entry: August 26, 2012

Abba, 

Is it because I want it too much? I don’t ever want to put this desire before You, Lord, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t deeply rooted in my heart. To fall in love, get married, have children. I know Your timing is perfect, Daddy. And I know Your grace is enough, whatever Your plans for me might be. But You also said to bring our anxieties and requests to You, to cast them at Your feet. So here’s mine, God. Please. When the time is right. Bring my husband to me. Or me to him. Fulfill this desire of my heart, that we may serve You and glorify Your name together. And until that day…give me peace in the waiting.                           

Amen. 

~

Journal Entry: September 18, 2012

Abba,

I know You already know this, but. I’ve been having a hard time lately. Priorities shift when someone has a significant other (as they should). But it still hurts to know that it shoves me further down the totem pole…that if someone had a gun and forced them to choose between the love of their life and me, I’d be the one with a bullet in my brain. And though in reality I wouldn’t have it any other way, I still have this terrible, frantic, selfish desire that there was someone out there who would pick me. Who thought I was important enough, lovely enough, to protect above all else. I realize it’s selfish and silly, God. Childish, even. And I know that being chosen by You was a gift so much greater than any fragile shadow of love another human being could ever bestow on me. But all this knowledge doesn’t change the fact that, sometimes, it still hurts. Sometimes, it feels like abandonment. Sometimes, the loneliness cuts down deep. But I also know it’s just a feeling. It will pass. And You will hold me until it does.

                        Amen.

~

But in December of 2012, everything changed. It was my second night at The Gathering, a Christian young adult group  that met weekly at a church in town (ironically, it was Danny who first invited me). During worship, the Holy Spirit suddenly seared my heart with conviction for the idols I had allowed to turn my eyes away from the Father.

One of those idols being, my obsession with being in a relationship.

That night, I surrendered that desire to Him. I prayed—God, even if it is Your will that I remain single for the rest of my life (I can’t explain how terrifying it was to say those words), I will serve you. I will no longer set my heart on seeking a relationship. I will not pursue men over You.

And for what was probably the very first time, I truly meant those words.

~

Over the next six months, God gave me the grace to keep my promise. I didn’t do it perfectly, by any means. Soon after I surrendered my heart to Him, I found myself surrounded with more guy friends than I had ever had before. And it was a strong temptation to entertain thoughts that one of these single Christian men could be my future husband.

But I had several prayer-warriors who were wrestling the unseen realm on my behalf, and the Holy Spirit granted me power to, in large part, resist that temptation.

And during those months, God romanced me.

I worshiped with more passion and freedom than I ever had before. I fell in love with prayer, allowing the Spirit to speak to me, through me. I spoke His Word out loud, and felt it change the atmosphere. He gave me an awareness and love for His Body, my brothers and sisters. A boldness rose up in me that I had never known.

I had wasted so much time, pining after lesser lovers when the Lover of my soul was a mere prayer away. I finally understood the gift of singleness, the beauty of an undivided heart.

~

(Pause: side-note.)

If you are single, I plead with you—don’t waste it. Whether it’s for a season or a lifetime, there is something incredible about it that we as a Christian culture are missing out on. I know it may be difficult to believe, because I know how difficult it was for me. But looking back, I wish I had devoted all my single years to Christ the way I devoted those last six months.

~

As I drove to the waterfront to talk to Danny, I was content (cocky, may be more accurate) in my singleness. I was confident (arrogant, may be more accurate) in my belief that it would be a long, long time before I would enter into a relationship—and when I did, it certainly wouldn’t be with Danny.

(No, I didn’t recognize the pride yet. It was still before the fall.)